The soft, feathery flakes disappeared almost as gently as the fell as I walked into the library.
I have a list right now, sure. I have tests, papers, and a bit of research that involves Automotive Mechanics (which I'm especially excited about!)
But right now, I'm taking time. I'm going to reflect on some things that deserve reflecting. Like the big, bold puffs falling from the sky. We're under a "Heavy Snow Warning" and I think, seriously, what don't they have a warning for these days? Well, I love it. I like hearing the muffled crunch beneath my warm boots and I like nuzzling into my scarf with my hat pulled down to my eyebrows.
I enjoy this season, but it sure comes with its, well, falls. Last Friday night I went snowboarding. I had worked up such an expectation of thrill, excitement, and even injury that I was practically bursting with anticipation. I had my vintage snowpants on, a bottle of aspirin, and the best coach I could find (my brother:)... I was ready. AND it was amazing! I had an amazing time and survived without too many bruises. I fell and tumbled, but my friend Chelsea and I felt like all-stars by the time we were through (if we didn't look at the 11-year-olds carving down the hills like crazies!).
It's most ironic that the real story of the weekend happened Saturday morning. I felt muscles in my neck and arms that I didn't know were there as I woke up. But, nothing too bad. .. Until I filled my hands and tried to race down our back steps. If you've ever seen Home Alone, then picture the steps completely covered in ice and the fool that didn't see it. He was flung into the air and then gravity not-so-gracefully brought him back hard. Well, this is precisely what happened to me! My left bum is bruised and swollen still today. If I'm in strictly female company, I'll show it to gasps and wide eyes. It's probably the biggest bruise I've ever seen. I'm just glad it's not lower, or I'd have to carry around one of those silly bum cushions!
Now I am feeling a teensy bit of the pressure to accomplish my list this afternoon, so I'll have to leave it at this, but there is so much more!
God is good, all the time. I guess that sums it up. Whether I see the good or bad in my day, I know that God is good and all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. I know that I manipulate and construe things to mean more or less than God intended, when what He wants from me is simple: my heart, mind, soul, and strength.
Amen and amen.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
discombobulated
Yes. It is a word. Discombobulate, a verb, means to confuse or disconcert; upset or frustrate.
I think this almost captures my feelings right now. All day I've felt stretched and pulled, my mind racing off in one direction, only to be reigned in to flee the opposite way. My heart is in the same predicament and it makes me feel so weak. I am in the midst of this 21 days of prayer and fasting and I have seen the Lord's blessings, but my have I seen the devil too.
I have realized that this resolve to meditate and pray comes only with extreme discipline and focus. I expected to skip right to the joy and celebration without enduring any pain or confusion.
I can picture the Lord looking down and saying, "Oh, child. My child when will you know that it is I you're seeking? Walk through the fire, dear one. Be blessed that I chose you to be refined. Take joy in this, child."
My soul wells up to ask God not for more of Him but for confirmation of me. I want to be confirmed that I'm going the right way, seeking the right things, and loving with the right heart. This transition back into college life has been awkward and cumbersome, yet also wonderful and refreshing. God has opened my life with time, but then asks me "What will you do with this time I've given, little one? How will you spend these hours?"
So many questions fill to bursting from within - why does community seem to take me two different places? How can I desire something so much it's hard to move? And where in the world is all that determined, no-funny-business focus that I'm so accustomed to?
I guess I should've said at the beginning that this is the almost end of a very, very long day. I know myself well enough to see when I'm being dramatic. This is one of those times. The questions are there, sure, but if I fight the drama then I remember the arms of peace that hold my spirit and comfort my soul.
Last night someone listed off the things he knows, as a Christian. Things God graciously spelled out for us in the Word. Things that we build our lives upon. The list was wonderfully long and beautifully incomplete - there's something about the mystery of God that is so reverent.
What a wonderful place to start - with the promises and commands of the perfect Creator and Redeemer.
Amen to that!
I think this almost captures my feelings right now. All day I've felt stretched and pulled, my mind racing off in one direction, only to be reigned in to flee the opposite way. My heart is in the same predicament and it makes me feel so weak. I am in the midst of this 21 days of prayer and fasting and I have seen the Lord's blessings, but my have I seen the devil too.
I have realized that this resolve to meditate and pray comes only with extreme discipline and focus. I expected to skip right to the joy and celebration without enduring any pain or confusion.
I can picture the Lord looking down and saying, "Oh, child. My child when will you know that it is I you're seeking? Walk through the fire, dear one. Be blessed that I chose you to be refined. Take joy in this, child."
My soul wells up to ask God not for more of Him but for confirmation of me. I want to be confirmed that I'm going the right way, seeking the right things, and loving with the right heart. This transition back into college life has been awkward and cumbersome, yet also wonderful and refreshing. God has opened my life with time, but then asks me "What will you do with this time I've given, little one? How will you spend these hours?"
So many questions fill to bursting from within - why does community seem to take me two different places? How can I desire something so much it's hard to move? And where in the world is all that determined, no-funny-business focus that I'm so accustomed to?
I guess I should've said at the beginning that this is the almost end of a very, very long day. I know myself well enough to see when I'm being dramatic. This is one of those times. The questions are there, sure, but if I fight the drama then I remember the arms of peace that hold my spirit and comfort my soul.
Last night someone listed off the things he knows, as a Christian. Things God graciously spelled out for us in the Word. Things that we build our lives upon. The list was wonderfully long and beautifully incomplete - there's something about the mystery of God that is so reverent.
What a wonderful place to start - with the promises and commands of the perfect Creator and Redeemer.
Amen to that!
Friday, January 19, 2007
All this and I still don't know.
Well, one might assume after 17 years in formal education that some things start making sense. I guess I've found this to be true, but more often than not I'm surprised.
Looking back a couple months, there is absolutely no way I could have predicted that I would be right here at this point. Even a couple weeks ago, I was involved in my little world with my little plans, unaware that my plans and dreams could take such exciting dips and turns. Last year, I went through a Beth Moore study called Believing God, and one of the things I'll always remember is the discussion on faith... it is a present-active-participle, ongoing action. So often I am unaware and unbelieving that the Lord could do great things in my life. What does this mean?
For starters, Scripture demands my audience - no, my participation in what the Lord has promised and started as a good work in me. I want nothing other than to come into beautiful, divine agreement with His plan. The dreams He has for me ... I can't be excited enough about them. This past semester, I discovered that dreaming and vision casting bring life and energy to my life. But, there's nothing I could think up or dream up that would compare to the adventures that await me in God's glorious, ordained work! I'm still working my way through Kings (after various sidetracks and pit stops) and the grace God granted time and time and time again... it' s astounding.
Regardless of the actions of His chosen, He did not forsake His covenant. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness. Oh, that I would never take lightly his perfect faithfulness!
Tonight I heard a speaker on the subject of prayer and fasting. There is a small, fiery community here at Hope that is so hungry for the Lord and His purposes fulfilled. And, as the disciples did after the bridegroom left, the group has decided to spend a focused time of praying and fasting to seek the Lord and come into agreement with his plans, both corporately and for individuals. As I listened, I was moved. Not in the emotion sense, but in more of a return to solid foundation sense. Hearing God's word spoken always always brings truth to light. A lot of times, at least for me, that means exposing things of darkness (Ephesians 5). So, I sat listening, praying, and asking God to examine my life for things that aren't His and things that distract from giving all my worship.
Nothing, absolutely nothing good comes without the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is sought through prayer. Time and time again in the Old and New Testament God's children sought Him in earnest, whether to grieve, repent, or in search of wisdom. Oh, how I see this lacking in my life!
Sigh. And the Lord is lifted up, midst shouts of joy and also as we weep and mourn. His glory is revealed as His children obey, but also when we fail - for then we see His righteousness! I pray that my own knowledge of His righteousness would come through obedience...
The man speaking tonight had a weathered, raspy voice and thin, white hair. His face creased in concern and curved in compassion for the hungry hearts gathered. He spoke with gentleness, but pleaded with urgency that we be a people like the first church in Acts who earnestly sought God and the Holy Spirit and brought about history-altering change.
Sometimes I wonder if I could ever be such a person. Only by God's grace, that is for certain.
grace and peace to you all on this Friday night!
Looking back a couple months, there is absolutely no way I could have predicted that I would be right here at this point. Even a couple weeks ago, I was involved in my little world with my little plans, unaware that my plans and dreams could take such exciting dips and turns. Last year, I went through a Beth Moore study called Believing God, and one of the things I'll always remember is the discussion on faith... it is a present-active-participle, ongoing action. So often I am unaware and unbelieving that the Lord could do great things in my life. What does this mean?
For starters, Scripture demands my audience - no, my participation in what the Lord has promised and started as a good work in me. I want nothing other than to come into beautiful, divine agreement with His plan. The dreams He has for me ... I can't be excited enough about them. This past semester, I discovered that dreaming and vision casting bring life and energy to my life. But, there's nothing I could think up or dream up that would compare to the adventures that await me in God's glorious, ordained work! I'm still working my way through Kings (after various sidetracks and pit stops) and the grace God granted time and time and time again... it' s astounding.
Regardless of the actions of His chosen, He did not forsake His covenant. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness. Oh, that I would never take lightly his perfect faithfulness!
Tonight I heard a speaker on the subject of prayer and fasting. There is a small, fiery community here at Hope that is so hungry for the Lord and His purposes fulfilled. And, as the disciples did after the bridegroom left, the group has decided to spend a focused time of praying and fasting to seek the Lord and come into agreement with his plans, both corporately and for individuals. As I listened, I was moved. Not in the emotion sense, but in more of a return to solid foundation sense. Hearing God's word spoken always always brings truth to light. A lot of times, at least for me, that means exposing things of darkness (Ephesians 5). So, I sat listening, praying, and asking God to examine my life for things that aren't His and things that distract from giving all my worship.
Nothing, absolutely nothing good comes without the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is sought through prayer. Time and time again in the Old and New Testament God's children sought Him in earnest, whether to grieve, repent, or in search of wisdom. Oh, how I see this lacking in my life!
Sigh. And the Lord is lifted up, midst shouts of joy and also as we weep and mourn. His glory is revealed as His children obey, but also when we fail - for then we see His righteousness! I pray that my own knowledge of His righteousness would come through obedience...
The man speaking tonight had a weathered, raspy voice and thin, white hair. His face creased in concern and curved in compassion for the hungry hearts gathered. He spoke with gentleness, but pleaded with urgency that we be a people like the first church in Acts who earnestly sought God and the Holy Spirit and brought about history-altering change.
Sometimes I wonder if I could ever be such a person. Only by God's grace, that is for certain.
grace and peace to you all on this Friday night!
Monday, January 15, 2007
double take
I'm pushing a month since I last wrote. I realize any random readers I gained are probably long gone, giving up on the few laughs afforded by reading someone else's life foibles. I wish I had better words. A friend recently explained what it meant to taste words... it sounded so right. But, now I feel like all my taste buds have been burned off and I can't quite articulate the life that's happening around me.
I'll start by saying that my time at home was a gift. Now that I'm back here for my last semester of college, (of course, all of you folks in 'real life' saw this coming!) I am taking inventory. I'm asking all those questions freshmen ask when they arrive on campus, wide-eyed and ready to bring their answers and gifts to the world. Only this time, I'm asking these questions posed for answers I never expected. I'm asking without interrupting to finish the puzzle with my own inspired solution.
Something that has come of this spiritual and intellectual inventory is the beauty of community and the importance of relationships in the body of Christ. This isn't a new idea, I realize, but God continues to press on my heart with ways I am not living in agreement with what I understand to be His truth on the issue. God formed community as a reflection of Himself. How beautiful! There is such peace in knowing that this is how God intended life. Yet, the people with whom I should most instinctively live in right relationship are the very ones with whom I forget.
The over-arching redemptive narrative climaxed on earth with the ultimate sacrifice of and for community in Jesus' death and resurrection. But the beautiful resolution began with the presence of the Holy Spirit... and now we can see that God's children are all part of one holy body, working to do the will of the Father. I praise God for this design... the community gathered around my life has shaped what I know to be love.
Again, I'm overwhelmed with where to go from here, because so much has transpired in the few short weeks I've entered into this community. In some ways it feels familiar and in others I sense the old feelings of restlessness pressing in with the power and momentum of a train... I want to jump on. .. throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles (Hebrews 12). Everything that gave me joy and life in my journey in Chicago is part of a much grander, glorified picture that God has for His kingdom.
Life right now is going much, much faster than I anticipated, but at the same time I've never valued peace and quiet more. I love that to the world contradictions go unexplained, but to God contradictions reveal his wisdom and our folly. He is not confused. Praise the Lord for the mysteries kept beyond our reach - for our salvation that is to be worked out with fear and trembling. Praise God for His ways that are so much higher than our ways! For He IS God, and to understand any more than He's revealed would make Him less than the Almighty.
I wish I could explain. I've started so many little blogs in my mind. Sometimes I wish I could have a mini keyboard that I could manipulate with one hand. I envision myself with the little contraption on my hip, right hand typing away as I walked to class. I know - could I be more of a geek? I literally think in terms of paragraphs as I walk down the sidewalk. Many of these little brainstorms only make it as far as the unresponsive air, but the world is probably better for it. These blogs can only take so much theorizing from commonfolk like me.
I will hopefully update with a little more regularity, because I feel overwhelmed right now to try bring everything in my life up to present.
go in peace and grace.
I'll start by saying that my time at home was a gift. Now that I'm back here for my last semester of college, (of course, all of you folks in 'real life' saw this coming!) I am taking inventory. I'm asking all those questions freshmen ask when they arrive on campus, wide-eyed and ready to bring their answers and gifts to the world. Only this time, I'm asking these questions posed for answers I never expected. I'm asking without interrupting to finish the puzzle with my own inspired solution.
Something that has come of this spiritual and intellectual inventory is the beauty of community and the importance of relationships in the body of Christ. This isn't a new idea, I realize, but God continues to press on my heart with ways I am not living in agreement with what I understand to be His truth on the issue. God formed community as a reflection of Himself. How beautiful! There is such peace in knowing that this is how God intended life. Yet, the people with whom I should most instinctively live in right relationship are the very ones with whom I forget.
The over-arching redemptive narrative climaxed on earth with the ultimate sacrifice of and for community in Jesus' death and resurrection. But the beautiful resolution began with the presence of the Holy Spirit... and now we can see that God's children are all part of one holy body, working to do the will of the Father. I praise God for this design... the community gathered around my life has shaped what I know to be love.
Again, I'm overwhelmed with where to go from here, because so much has transpired in the few short weeks I've entered into this community. In some ways it feels familiar and in others I sense the old feelings of restlessness pressing in with the power and momentum of a train... I want to jump on. .. throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles (Hebrews 12). Everything that gave me joy and life in my journey in Chicago is part of a much grander, glorified picture that God has for His kingdom.
Life right now is going much, much faster than I anticipated, but at the same time I've never valued peace and quiet more. I love that to the world contradictions go unexplained, but to God contradictions reveal his wisdom and our folly. He is not confused. Praise the Lord for the mysteries kept beyond our reach - for our salvation that is to be worked out with fear and trembling. Praise God for His ways that are so much higher than our ways! For He IS God, and to understand any more than He's revealed would make Him less than the Almighty.
I wish I could explain. I've started so many little blogs in my mind. Sometimes I wish I could have a mini keyboard that I could manipulate with one hand. I envision myself with the little contraption on my hip, right hand typing away as I walked to class. I know - could I be more of a geek? I literally think in terms of paragraphs as I walk down the sidewalk. Many of these little brainstorms only make it as far as the unresponsive air, but the world is probably better for it. These blogs can only take so much theorizing from commonfolk like me.
I will hopefully update with a little more regularity, because I feel overwhelmed right now to try bring everything in my life up to present.
go in peace and grace.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
one week complete
It's been exactly one week since I last wrote. Gosh, I guess a lot has changed in 7 short days. I no longer live in the Windy City. I no longer work at Sullivan's, or Opportunity. I no longer live in a "vintage" style building on State and Division (I can say that now). I no longer wake up in the morning to the busy, bustling sounds of people moving about.
It's quite bizarre, actually - moving through life. I don't think there's been one time these past four years that I haven't looked back and said, "I never could've guessed that would happen." I think that's beautiful... that God holds back the things about our future that we just couldn't handle knowing. And, then, we travel on, endure through trials and blessings to look back and see the providence in His sole knowledge of what was to come. Hopefully we can look back and see that we've been obedient.
We have some family friends that have lived obedience. They have struggled and persevered in the most formidable circumstances... with eyes fixed on the Author and Perfector. I have had conversations with the mom, especially, about how obedience has not led directly to bliss. In fact - bliss is farthest from their pilgrim journey... but they press on in praise because they know that God glories in the obedience of His people. And, I look at that example and know that God searches for hearts like those - that are completely His - and pleasures in their journeys (2 Chronicles 16:9).
Well, I better recap last week a bit before I move on philosophizing... The rest of the week went well - busy as ever - and steeped in Chicago "lasts." I was more than ready for my sister to come on Friday to show off the things I love and experience a bit of Midwest city charm. We hit up the Christkindlmarket, the fabulous German extravaganza at the Daley Plaza. Warm crepes, pretzels, hot chocolate, and vendors with products from all over the world. It was delightful!
Then, we headed to ComedySportz to watch an hilarious display of clean improv and finally ended up at my apartment - by then quite lonely with its bare walls. Saturday brought more exploring and breakfast with one of my closest Chicago friends - Jenna. From there I went to my last day at Sullivan's - a day that lasted from 3-1030... a long day that ended with huge sighs. I marvel at how much drama is made of such small things. I thought I could make it the whole semester without taking part in the game, but I tripped up on Saturday.
I was able to play the middleman - the advocate for the underdog and staple sensitive girl up until then. But, when one of the girls was talking about her favorite subject - tacky people, I jumped in and we created the token tacky dressed girl who obviously had no clue about clothes, fashion, or how to act. At the end she looked at me kind of funny and said, "Good. You do have a (!?#*!y) side!" I just kind of stared. There's way no way to take it back, but I wish I could. After 4 months of trying to be that light in the darkness and one slip of the tongue turns the rudder of that ship so darn fast! I tried to smooth over what I could, but I don't know if it made a difference. Once again, I realize how important words are... the mouth speaks the overflow of the heart... and I certainly hope my heart doesn't settle for such petty things!
Anyway... the rest of the night went fine - we've had unusually warm December weather, so coat checking wasn't even all that bad. Sunday - glorious Sunday - we went to church in the morning and I said goodbye to dear, dear friends at Park Community Church. My heart will always be grateful for the gift of community and friendship I so relied on this semester.
We came back for a marathon cleaning/packing adventure (my sister would hardly agree that it was an adventure, but would most likely call it a disaster:) ... and then we were off for a wonderful lunch buffet at Gaylord India - maybe some of the best food I've had in awhile! We both love indian style food - and everything was savory and delicious... from the curry to the nan to the amazing tea.
I think I mentioned before that my mom bought us tickets to WICKED. I can't explain how badly I wanted to see that show while I was in Chicago. I started listening to the soundtrack last year and have been obsessed ever since because the music is just that good! We sat center (not front, but still great view!) and I could only eek out, "I can't believe...wow...this is so exciting..."
The show was phenomenal. Beginning to end - loved the story, characters, music, stage, and costumes. I'll be singing those songs for a long time! Right now I'm at this wonderful (and wireless) small town coffee loft with my sister. She's working on finding a job and I'm thinking.
Well, Christina thinks I do enough thinking - probably too much. Especially when I started talking about energies and passions on the way home from Chicago... maybe she would agree with the Emperor in Amadeus when he was criticizing Mozart's first opera. Maybe I just use too many words. Mozart's music was too much of something, the Emperor said, "Well, there are only so many notes that a person can hear in one evening... and there were simply too many notes." Mozart was appalled, because every single note was exactly how it should be and taking any one note away would subtract from the complete masterpiece he believed it was.
I know enough now to not think the pride of Mozart will produce any good thing, and I am hardly at the point where I think my words well up into such a glorious climax as his work, but I do on some level aspire for the exact perfection which Mozart possessed.
Well, this is certainly long enough to last awhile. This is very different from the city - very different. I'm not sure about my whole Chicago experience, but I do know that I loved living in a city... and I know I could live in one again, someday down the road. We'll see. God only knows, right?
It's quite bizarre, actually - moving through life. I don't think there's been one time these past four years that I haven't looked back and said, "I never could've guessed that would happen." I think that's beautiful... that God holds back the things about our future that we just couldn't handle knowing. And, then, we travel on, endure through trials and blessings to look back and see the providence in His sole knowledge of what was to come. Hopefully we can look back and see that we've been obedient.
We have some family friends that have lived obedience. They have struggled and persevered in the most formidable circumstances... with eyes fixed on the Author and Perfector. I have had conversations with the mom, especially, about how obedience has not led directly to bliss. In fact - bliss is farthest from their pilgrim journey... but they press on in praise because they know that God glories in the obedience of His people. And, I look at that example and know that God searches for hearts like those - that are completely His - and pleasures in their journeys (2 Chronicles 16:9).
Well, I better recap last week a bit before I move on philosophizing... The rest of the week went well - busy as ever - and steeped in Chicago "lasts." I was more than ready for my sister to come on Friday to show off the things I love and experience a bit of Midwest city charm. We hit up the Christkindlmarket, the fabulous German extravaganza at the Daley Plaza. Warm crepes, pretzels, hot chocolate, and vendors with products from all over the world. It was delightful!
Then, we headed to ComedySportz to watch an hilarious display of clean improv and finally ended up at my apartment - by then quite lonely with its bare walls. Saturday brought more exploring and breakfast with one of my closest Chicago friends - Jenna. From there I went to my last day at Sullivan's - a day that lasted from 3-1030... a long day that ended with huge sighs. I marvel at how much drama is made of such small things. I thought I could make it the whole semester without taking part in the game, but I tripped up on Saturday.
I was able to play the middleman - the advocate for the underdog and staple sensitive girl up until then. But, when one of the girls was talking about her favorite subject - tacky people, I jumped in and we created the token tacky dressed girl who obviously had no clue about clothes, fashion, or how to act. At the end she looked at me kind of funny and said, "Good. You do have a (!?#*!y) side!" I just kind of stared. There's way no way to take it back, but I wish I could. After 4 months of trying to be that light in the darkness and one slip of the tongue turns the rudder of that ship so darn fast! I tried to smooth over what I could, but I don't know if it made a difference. Once again, I realize how important words are... the mouth speaks the overflow of the heart... and I certainly hope my heart doesn't settle for such petty things!
Anyway... the rest of the night went fine - we've had unusually warm December weather, so coat checking wasn't even all that bad. Sunday - glorious Sunday - we went to church in the morning and I said goodbye to dear, dear friends at Park Community Church. My heart will always be grateful for the gift of community and friendship I so relied on this semester.
We came back for a marathon cleaning/packing adventure (my sister would hardly agree that it was an adventure, but would most likely call it a disaster:) ... and then we were off for a wonderful lunch buffet at Gaylord India - maybe some of the best food I've had in awhile! We both love indian style food - and everything was savory and delicious... from the curry to the nan to the amazing tea.
I think I mentioned before that my mom bought us tickets to WICKED. I can't explain how badly I wanted to see that show while I was in Chicago. I started listening to the soundtrack last year and have been obsessed ever since because the music is just that good! We sat center (not front, but still great view!) and I could only eek out, "I can't believe...wow...this is so exciting..."
The show was phenomenal. Beginning to end - loved the story, characters, music, stage, and costumes. I'll be singing those songs for a long time! Right now I'm at this wonderful (and wireless) small town coffee loft with my sister. She's working on finding a job and I'm thinking.
Well, Christina thinks I do enough thinking - probably too much. Especially when I started talking about energies and passions on the way home from Chicago... maybe she would agree with the Emperor in Amadeus when he was criticizing Mozart's first opera. Maybe I just use too many words. Mozart's music was too much of something, the Emperor said, "Well, there are only so many notes that a person can hear in one evening... and there were simply too many notes." Mozart was appalled, because every single note was exactly how it should be and taking any one note away would subtract from the complete masterpiece he believed it was.
I know enough now to not think the pride of Mozart will produce any good thing, and I am hardly at the point where I think my words well up into such a glorious climax as his work, but I do on some level aspire for the exact perfection which Mozart possessed.
Well, this is certainly long enough to last awhile. This is very different from the city - very different. I'm not sure about my whole Chicago experience, but I do know that I loved living in a city... and I know I could live in one again, someday down the road. We'll see. God only knows, right?
I am finishing up my Christmas shopping and giving hugs and love to my beautiful family and friends here at my roots. But it is Christmas and I am bursting with what our souls are made of...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
goodness me
Well, what I projected as a slower, peaceful week has turned into something quite different. But, considering the amount of Christmas shopping I've done, my schedule needs to be this full!:) Today I am meeting my beautiful friend Lis, then heading to work at Opportunity, then coming back to work at Sullivan's. I work every day this week, but I've got something to look forward to - Friday my sister comes into town and I'm so excited to show her around!
I've realized a bundle in the short two days that my friends have been gone (the rest of my program moved out on Sunday) ... I like spending time in solitude when it is my choice, not necessarily when it is the only choice. While my friends were here, I found myself often choosing work, writing, and other relationships over spending time with them. Yet, I always found comfort knowing that they were here, in my building, a phone call away. I've still got the girls from church, who are amazing and I'm so thankful for them... but I guess more of my selfishness is coming through in my reaction to forced alone time.
It's amazing that, given time and open eyes, we continue to see the layers peeled back and more of our nature comes through. I guess this is good because then we can know how to fight back. It certainly keeps a person humble - not only am I trying to keep all the past things I've discovered about myself under control, but I'm always finding new vices vying for my time and treasure.
Whew. I'm ready to wrap up this week, load up the car, and head westbound. Hallelujah for Jesus - what a miracle! The best and biggest reason to fight for joy!
I've realized a bundle in the short two days that my friends have been gone (the rest of my program moved out on Sunday) ... I like spending time in solitude when it is my choice, not necessarily when it is the only choice. While my friends were here, I found myself often choosing work, writing, and other relationships over spending time with them. Yet, I always found comfort knowing that they were here, in my building, a phone call away. I've still got the girls from church, who are amazing and I'm so thankful for them... but I guess more of my selfishness is coming through in my reaction to forced alone time.
It's amazing that, given time and open eyes, we continue to see the layers peeled back and more of our nature comes through. I guess this is good because then we can know how to fight back. It certainly keeps a person humble - not only am I trying to keep all the past things I've discovered about myself under control, but I'm always finding new vices vying for my time and treasure.
Whew. I'm ready to wrap up this week, load up the car, and head westbound. Hallelujah for Jesus - what a miracle! The best and biggest reason to fight for joy!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Sully's, Endings, and Discoveries
I feel almost as dead as the minks and rabbits coming in to Sullivan's, only I don't have near as snobby of an owner. Last night, a woman insisted we had her Crystal Fox (they kept saying this over and over like I knew what it was and should be amazed) fur somewhere, but we could NOT find it ... later I saw them leaving with their coats - apparently they left them upstairs in the lounge.
Let's just say last night I had to fight for joy. I literally felt in a struggle for what I was going to let take my evening. I rushed out of my last day of internship like a wild banshee and ran from train to train to bus to my apartment, switched out my clothes and ran to work (all this running is literal - I was out of breath!) Then, I got to work and found out, unbeknownst to me, they had changed my start time to 1/2 an hour later! It was one of those ... you've GOT to be kidding me. But, at the same time, that means I wasn't late. Anyway... I would have given anything to be Lucy in the Chronicles of Narnia and, instead of retrieving coats for the social elite, retreating into a mystical, wonderful world beyond that cramped closet.
Yet, while I was there, I got a text from a friend. His day had been amazing and full of grace, and hadn't mine? (he said)
And I thought, "self. that's about enough. you are not going to be content with the simple pleasures of being angry, frustrated, and anxious. No, no! You are going to reach for the vacation on the sea - joy!!
So, when one guy asked me, "Tell me, do you like this job?" I simply said, "Well, that's relative. But do I have joy? Yes."
Then he said something like, well of course that's because you just saw me come down the stairs.
Oh man. But, can I just go back to remind myself that GOD is providing through this job. He is providing my rent and opening doors to relationships.
Enough about Sullivan's - yesterday was my last official day as Opportunity intern. From this point on, my relationship will be of the true, working world employee nature. I am going to continue doing temp work for the conference in May.
My boss took me out for Mediterranean food - definitely one of my favorite ethnic varieties. MMmm was it good! I wish I could explain the impact that this relationship has had on my semester and my life as a whole... But for now those words will have to do. I just hope all this "processing" I keep putting off will happen sometime, otherwise I could see a 100 car pileup on my brain highway - not good, considering I don't really trust the drivers up there in the first place!
Okay, I should finish this up. I'm going to do my morning bible study and then hang out with my roomie and do some hard core cleaning - yay! One last thing - I finished up my papers for class - 3 in all at 4:30 Wednesday morning. I know - that is definitely the first time I've done that since freshmen year when I thought it was cool and "college."
Even if it's not what the profs. want, I am happy with how they turned out... and it was truly a discovery process. I'll have to write more (later) about some of the startling things I learned about myself. I realized how much pressure I'd been feeling to 'keep up appearances,' meanwhile my true energies and gifts weren't being fully utilized.
Let's just say last night I had to fight for joy. I literally felt in a struggle for what I was going to let take my evening. I rushed out of my last day of internship like a wild banshee and ran from train to train to bus to my apartment, switched out my clothes and ran to work (all this running is literal - I was out of breath!) Then, I got to work and found out, unbeknownst to me, they had changed my start time to 1/2 an hour later! It was one of those ... you've GOT to be kidding me. But, at the same time, that means I wasn't late. Anyway... I would have given anything to be Lucy in the Chronicles of Narnia and, instead of retrieving coats for the social elite, retreating into a mystical, wonderful world beyond that cramped closet.
Yet, while I was there, I got a text from a friend. His day had been amazing and full of grace, and hadn't mine? (he said)
And I thought, "self. that's about enough. you are not going to be content with the simple pleasures of being angry, frustrated, and anxious. No, no! You are going to reach for the vacation on the sea - joy!!
So, when one guy asked me, "Tell me, do you like this job?" I simply said, "Well, that's relative. But do I have joy? Yes."
Then he said something like, well of course that's because you just saw me come down the stairs.
Oh man. But, can I just go back to remind myself that GOD is providing through this job. He is providing my rent and opening doors to relationships.
Enough about Sullivan's - yesterday was my last official day as Opportunity intern. From this point on, my relationship will be of the true, working world employee nature. I am going to continue doing temp work for the conference in May.
My boss took me out for Mediterranean food - definitely one of my favorite ethnic varieties. MMmm was it good! I wish I could explain the impact that this relationship has had on my semester and my life as a whole... But for now those words will have to do. I just hope all this "processing" I keep putting off will happen sometime, otherwise I could see a 100 car pileup on my brain highway - not good, considering I don't really trust the drivers up there in the first place!
Okay, I should finish this up. I'm going to do my morning bible study and then hang out with my roomie and do some hard core cleaning - yay! One last thing - I finished up my papers for class - 3 in all at 4:30 Wednesday morning. I know - that is definitely the first time I've done that since freshmen year when I thought it was cool and "college."
Even if it's not what the profs. want, I am happy with how they turned out... and it was truly a discovery process. I'll have to write more (later) about some of the startling things I learned about myself. I realized how much pressure I'd been feeling to 'keep up appearances,' meanwhile my true energies and gifts weren't being fully utilized.
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