Hello. Welcome.

I'm a very determined kind of individual. Sometimes my determination is misplaced and things get very ugly. But, sometimes my determination leads to laughter, deep thoughts, and words on paper.

I write everything. I'm not very good at filtering ... so you will see it all. Maybe there will be a little inspiration for someone else along the way. I hope so. My sister also likes to guest blog and I'm sure you will appreciate her wit and wisdom.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Missing Avonell

Since I'm out at a Leadership Conference this week- I'm having my sister guest-blog for me. She's technically retired from the world of blogging, but is coming out of retirement for a post or two to help me out.
Welcome, Christina, to Musings of a Foreign Heart!

My grandma died- and I'm so sad. Yesterday I found myself having to drive home at lunch, to be able to cry about it in peace. When I stopped at stoplights, I rolled my windows up to have some privacy from the drivers around me, even though I am aware that this doesn’t make me invisible. My heart just hurt so much, missing her.

The weird thing is- my dear Grandma died about 15 years ago. And you know, I’m really used to it. Its part of my life now, something I take for granted. I’m really not sure why suddenly I started thinking about her so much. Maybe it’s the book I’m reading with my new mentor, Becoming a Woman of Excellence. (She was- very much so.) Maybe it’s the fact that yesterday I was writing Mother’s day cards to my mom and Grandma Sponsler, and I found myself wanting to thank Grandma Avonell for being such an amazing woman, mother, and Grandma, and couldn’t. Either way, she’s been on my mind in a big way these past few days, and I’m just missing her so much. I just wish, as an adult, that I could know her.

There are so many questions I have for her- so many things I didn’t know to ask before she died. I wish I could talk to her about being single at 25—she experienced it and waiting for the “right guy” really worked out for her- in my Grandpa Fletcher. I wish I could tell her about the great father her son, my dad, grew up to be, and how he and my stood in the gap for me while I learned how to make my own choices, and stumbled a few times along the way. I wish I could learn from her in person, how she found that perfect place in between feistiness and having a quiet spirit… my constant struggle. I wish I could learn from her how she was the kind of mother-in-law that made my mom think, when she married my dad, “I want to be just like her.”

Maybe I’m selfish- I have an amazing Mom and Grandma, that are excellent examples to me of Biblical Womanhood- who am I to want more? But I just keep feeling like there is this piece missing. I don’t know enough about her- I don’t know about her walk with the Lord, I don’t know how she encouraged my Aunts through the world of Dating, I don’t know how she handled 8 kids on my Grandpa Fletcher’s dairy farmer budget. I remember so little of her, and her with me- I’m having a hard time deciphering the difference between my memories and stories that I’ve heard. And I’m mourning for that.

So, I’m going to start digging. I’m going to ask about her- about her walk with her Lord, about her parenting and letting go, about her feistiness.

It’s time that I got to know her.


sherry maakestad said...

Did you get my comment this morning? I'm not sure I am doing this right. Let me know if you didn't!
Love you,

Caroline said...


Thank you for stepping in and sharing about Grandma Avonell... it sparked my heart for today. Let me know what you find!