discombobulated

Yes. It is a word. Discombobulate, a verb, means to confuse or disconcert; upset or frustrate.

I think this almost captures my feelings right now. All day I've felt stretched and pulled, my mind racing off in one direction, only to be reigned in to flee the opposite way. My heart is in the same predicament and it makes me feel so weak. I am in the midst of this 21 days of prayer and fasting and I have seen the Lord's blessings, but my have I seen the devil too.

I have realized that this resolve to meditate and pray comes only with extreme discipline and focus. I expected to skip right to the joy and celebration without enduring any pain or confusion.

I can picture the Lord looking down and saying, "Oh, child. My child when will you know that it is I you're seeking? Walk through the fire, dear one. Be blessed that I chose you to be refined. Take joy in this, child."

My soul wells up to ask God not for more of Him but for confirmation of me. I want to be confirmed that I'm going the right way, seeking the right things, and loving with the right heart. This transition back into college life has been awkward and cumbersome, yet also wonderful and refreshing. God has opened my life with time, but then asks me "What will you do with this time I've given, little one? How will you spend these hours?"

So many questions fill to bursting from within - why does community seem to take me two different places? How can I desire something so much it's hard to move? And where in the world is all that determined, no-funny-business focus that I'm so accustomed to?

I guess I should've said at the beginning that this is the almost end of a very, very long day. I know myself well enough to see when I'm being dramatic. This is one of those times. The questions are there, sure, but if I fight the drama then I remember the arms of peace that hold my spirit and comfort my soul.

Last night someone listed off the things he knows, as a Christian. Things God graciously spelled out for us in the Word. Things that we build our lives upon. The list was wonderfully long and beautifully incomplete - there's something about the mystery of God that is so reverent.
What a wonderful place to start - with the promises and commands of the perfect Creator and Redeemer.

Amen to that!